The POTUS election tightens! Timothy may get the casting vote!

Newt Gingrich has written to us with some exciting news!*


In 6O days, you get to vote for the next president of the United States.

There will be no turning back. No more votes will be cast. No more dollars will be raised.

Because these last 6O days will determine the fate of this election, a group of conservative donors have stepped up to match all contributions between now and Election Day, 2 to 1.

But in order to ensure that your dollar is effectively used in the field to turn out voters, you will need to contribute by tonight at midnight.

Please make your contribution into our Grassroots Victory Fund to get your contribution MATCHED.

Camestros: please don’t forget that absentee ballots are being mailed in the battleground state of North Carolina TODAY — and in other states soon after that.

There is truly no time to wait. We need to keep making significant investments in the key states that will determine whether or not Donald Trump wins and whether or not we still have control of our Republican majorities.

Recent polling shows that enthusiasm is on our side. Republicans, not Democrats, are excited to cast their votes.

But it’s our job to turn that enthusiasm into real votes that will win this election. And our Party needs your help to successfully accomplish that.

Please contribute $100, $75, $50, $35, or $15 into our Grassroots Victory Fund to ensure we have the resources to WIN big in the states will determine this election.
Your friend,

Newt Gingrich

NOTE: YOUR FRIEND, NEWT GINGRICH. It’s there in black and white people – my friend Newt. He wouldn’t say that if it wasn’t true.

My reply was:

Hi Newt,
Great to hear from you. I’m a bit strapped for cash right now and I’m afraid Timothy spent all his allowance on a “military grade flashlight, buy it now before it’s banned” which he is using to alarm squirrels in the middle of the night.
Don’t worry though we get the ‘nod, nod, wink, wink’ about those postal ballots in North Carolina. Timothy’s looking into it but he is a bit concerned because the nice lady at the post office doesn’t like him.
Anyway, as we can’t contribute money, Timothy and I put our heads together and thought of what we could do to help. Then it hit us! Ouch, we said and threw the brick back at the squirrels. Then an idea hit us! We could send you FREE ebooks of THERE WILL BE WALRUS: SECOND VOLUME FIVE!
Timothy the Talking Cat made me publish this. I’m so very, very sorry. Camestros Felapton

You can use these charming and informative books to boost morale among your party faithful or even use Timothy’s brilliant tactical advice (with maps) to help plan your campaign. Timothy is really excited to see what your campaign will look like and hopes that you start it soon

All the best from Felapton Towers.

*[I’m assuming a puppy-adjacent web inhabitant has signed me up on an email list – if so they have given me extraordinary amounts of joy]



  1. KR

    Guilty secret: there is one degree of separation between me and Newt. So I guess that makes two for y’all. Sorry ’bout that.


  2. JJ

    You know, they tried this once with Chuck Tingle — and everyone saw how well that worked out for them. I would have thought they’d have known better than to try it on you and Timothy. 😆

    Liked by 1 person