[From the desk of Timothy the Talking Cat]
I address you all at a dark time for America. Our proud nation* stands on a precipice of two choices. Now whiny fools like Camestros might say “That metaphor makes no sense” but that is because he is a stupid head.
Voting in the Hugo Awards closes this SUNDAY. Yes, you heard that right. THIS SUNDAY.
Now, if you are like me, you are probably thinking “Whaaat? The Democratic Convention only just finished how can it be voting already?”. Well, that’s just how crazy and rigged by the elites and SMOFS and CHORFS and Greens and Wall Street the system is! Now Camestros keeps saying to me “Timothy, you are getting different things all mixed up because you stayed up late to throw pretzels at Hillary on the television.” Really Camestros? Really? Is that what THIS is? Typical left wing know-it-alls trying to portray their opponents as mentally-addled, cat-nip addicted pretzel fiends.
No, listen to ME people and listen HARD. Listen as hard as America needs you to listen. Just look for a moment at the list of title up for Best Hugo of America 2015:
- Aunt Hillary’s Mercy: Aunt Hillary has split herself into multiple beings. Some are war mongering monsters, others are forward thinking social democrats. Only Breq Sanders can work out which is which before the whole nation collapses.
- The Fifth Electoral Season. An older woman wanders around a post-apocalyptic world after some guy decides to make the Republican Party catastrophically erupt.
- Upvoted. A woman falls in love with a powerful wizard only to discover she can be just as powerful as he is after she uses her magic to exploded some glass ceilings.
- Seveneves. The woman president of the United States tries to save the world from an epic disaster after it becomes surrounded by a burning cloud of racist nonsense.
- The Cosmonaut’s Windbag. The title says it all really.**
I know my many, many fans have become quite confused by the various rumours spread by the lamestream media about me. Let’s clear up some facts:
- No, Hillary’s VP pick is some other guy called Tim. Obviously when things were announced the media saw “Tim” and leapt to conclusions. Yes, yes, he does look a lot like me but I assure I would never play the harmonica because it is the second most satanic instrument in the world.***
- Yes, like many top conservative pundits I have decided to side with NeverTrump. Unless he wins of course, in which case I may temporarily be IActualyMeantForeverTrumpItMustHaveBeenaTypo until his reign descends into chaos about which time I’ll remind people how I warned you all of the unspeakable horrors that I had foretold.
- The so-called ‘admins’ at MidAmericanCon won’t let me write in “Honor At Stake” as my Hugo nominee and for some reason have removed “Best Launderette” from consideration this year.
- The Dragon Awards will be so much better. I’m hoping Gary Johnson wins them.
So I say to you all: Go back to your constituencies and prepare for government! You have nothing to fear but the lurking horror in your basement! We shall fight them on the bleachers! Countrymen lend me your ears! But above all in the immortal words of Theodore Cruz: Vote yourself conscious!
Good night America.****
*[CF: Timothy actually lives in England]
**[CF: actual titles can be read here https://midamericon2.org/home/hugo-awards-and-wsfs/2016-hugo-ballot/ ]
***[CF: the accordion is obviously the most satanic]
****[Obviously do actually vote in the Hugo Awards*****]
*****[…and vote in the US election if you can.]