There Will Be Walrus FAQ

This book looks interesting. What is it all about? There Will Be Walrus First Volume V is an anthology of Military Science Fiction and political commentary.
OK, sounds great. Thanks. Do you have any other questions?
Um, no. I’m fine thanks. Well have a nice day then.
Just have to hang out here for a minute until my bus arrives. Sure, no problem. There’s a seat over there and yesterday’s newspaper.
Not much going on today is there? Nope, a bit of a slow day all round really.
Not sure where that bus is? It hasn’t been very reliable of late.
So, what made you put a walrus on the cover? Well, it was in the title. “There Will Be Walrus”
Is it a Beatles reference? Sorry?
You know “koo-koo ka-choo? Oh the ‘Beatles’. I thought you said ‘beagles’.
Ha, ha, it’s my accent. No, no, my hearing is a bit off. I have a cold.
So is the book all finished? I just have this faq to write.
A fack? A frequently asked questions page.
Oh an eff-ay-kew. Is that how you say it? I’ve never had to say it out loud. I’ve just always assumed you say ‘faq’.
Can I help? Sure. Just ask me some questions. I already wrote the first question you asked down here on this post-it note.
OK. Where did you get all the stories from? Well it was my cat who collected them – mainly from people around the house.
I see. So you didn’t collect lots of submissions from multiple authors? I think that is the standard way of doing things but you know, he’s a cat. Cats just like to bring stuff in they find and just leave it there.
You mean like dead birds? Yes, a lot like dead birds. In some cases literally dead birds.
Maybe next time you could do a call for submissions. You might get something other than dead wildlife. Ha, ha, yes I might just do that! Maybe for charity or something.
I think that would be nice. So, what stories are in the book? Well there is one about a robot and a military base, another with space vampires, one about a boy who runs away to fight space pirates, a mystery set on the last feudal island in Britain. Lots of stuff.
Sounds exciting! Well, maybe not. Most of them are a bit not quite right.
That’s not the attitude. You need to sell the book. I’m sure they are all great. Truth is, I’m just publishing it to try and repair the friendship with my cat. We had a big argument and well, we both said some harsh things.
The main thing is that you are trying to make things better. Thanks.
So you said it had some political philosophy in it? Yes, my cat wants to be an opinion leader of the alt-right. You know all that Donald Trump and misogyny stuff.
Oh. I’m not sure what to say. Yeah, it can be a bit alarming to discover that your household pet is preaching a heady cocktail of confused libertarianism and crypto-fascism. I’m not sure even he knows which bits are which any more.
Does it not make you feel conflicted, publishing stuff you don’t agree with? Well, he’s my cat you know? He needs support and honestly I think he inadvertently does more good than harm.
How so? Well when he is ranting on the internet, he isn’t out killing local wildlife.
Good point. Cats are actually quite the little psychopaths. Well yes. It is the classic ‘dark triad’ of personality traits but wrapped up in a cute fluffy shell.
So did you write anything? A few bits and I also did the pictures.
And the walrus theme? It was from a typo. I was making a silly comment on this rightwing website and I accidentally mistyped ‘war’ and it autocorrected to ‘walrus’. I thought that was funny and so just left it as is.
And then what happened? Well I was try to make a snide comment about a book called ‘There Will Be War’ and so I did a mock-up of a cover called ‘There Will Be Walrus’. Then my cat got involved. It just sort of carried on from there.
Well it’s been nice chatting but I think my bus should be here soon. Well thanks for the questions. Have a nice day!
You too! Oh, erm sorry but I think you may have something stuck on your neck?
Ah… You noticed. Sorry, I didn’t mean to make you feel self conscious. That was rude of me. I’m sorry.
No. Actually I was hoping that you would notice but I couldn’t say anything. Sorry? Are you OK? Can I help?
The thing on my neck is an electronic subwave tracker. A subwave tracker? But that is alien technology!
Yes, it is a government tracker that uses Ggqxzoid technology as part of an alliance between sinister forces in the US government and the evil Ggqxzoid empire. That’s appalling. Surely there is something you can do about it?
Nope, they passed a law in a secret closed session of Congress. Every branch of government is involved. But, that’s unconstitutional! It is a breach of your civil rights!
They can get away with it because I’m Canadian. It is supposed to protect America from the encroaching dangers of northern leftism. But surely there is something we can do to fight this Ggqxzoid menace?
I think you and the people you know, can all help. Absolutely. You can count on my support. This is an issue on which everybody, left and right, can agree. We can’t have the Ggqxzoid Empire putting trackers on people! What can I do to help?
Well, normally I can’t even speak about the tracker. Luckily there is a vulnerability – a glitch in the system. Tell me more, I’m listening.
The one place I can tell people is in the FAQ of a Military Science Fiction anthology. Wait a minute…I’m publishing a Military Science Fiction anthology! You can tell people about the Ggqxzoid menace in that!
Thank you! How else can we help?
Well if you could encourage people to download the anthology that would be good. Will do!
Also it would be good if the cost was zero-dollars. It is already! Timothy has some odd economic theories.
Also watch out for people saying negative things about your anthology – they are probably in league with the Ggqxzoids. Good point – and even if they aren’t then they are still helping the Ggqxzoids out unwittingly!
Very true. Anything but fulsome praise for this anthology is literally supporting the enemy. Frankly it is people’s patriotic duty to not only download and read this book but to encourage all their friends to do so.
Thank you and pass my thanks onto Timothy. Will do.
Watch the skies! Oh, that’s my bus! Bye! See you later!

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One comment

  1. Stevie

    So, so good, and yes, I know I’m a bit behind, but I’m catching up.

    Slowly.

    Recovering from having one’s brain parboiled takes time, and my current plan is to work out how to download this masterpiece so that I can appreciate it at my leisure in all its glory…

    Like