Timothy’s Hugo Ballot!

Timothy has his own slate to present:

Transcript (he can be a bit hard to make out sometimes)

Mee-ow, mee-ow, mee-ow.
My Hugo Ballot Nominations by Timothy the Talking Cat

So right off Best Novel!

Easy peasy, lemon squeezee.
Best science fiction novel is…Dune. I mean obvious really. Why don’t those bozos vote for it every year? Because they are bozos, that’s why.

But we aren’t done – I can pick five choices for best novel. Oh boy, oh boy!
Number two pick is The Cat Who Walks Through Walls, because obvious. Again, why not pick this every year you idiots?

Number three is Honor at Stake by Declan Finn, because I reviewed that one and everybody said it was the best review on this site ever.

Number four, well for number four I thought we should pick something popular unlike the usual stuff, and I’m going to use Good reads Awards to find THE MOST POPULAR book there is. And it is Go Set a Watchmen by Harper Lee. I haven’t read this yet but it is a sequel to The Watchmen by Alan Moore.

Number five. Well Amazon is the way of the future and I look to them to lead the way. If I type in ‘cat’ into their search engine I get: CATS: 50 Fun Facts About Cats by Kate Flowers. On the ballot you go Kate Flowers!

Next best short story.
The Sisterhood of the Traveling Pants – OK it is about pants rather than shorts but I think it is still eligible. This book is super popular but I haven’t read it. The Hugos need to reach out to more people. Why shouldn’t fans of this book have a say? The elitist snobs keep them out, that’s why.

That is the only story about bottom wear I could find that wasn’t, you know, a bit not-safe-for-worms, as they say.

On through the categories. Best Salmonella. I don’t think there is a best salmonella, it is all fairly nasty stuff. I don’t eat soft cheese anyway. Or is that listeria?

Best launderette. The best launderette is in Barrow in Furness. It is called ‘Easy clean Launderette’. They certainly helped Camestros with his laundry that time he caught salmonella on a nuclear submarine. Talk about ‘traveling pants!’ Yuck! Anyway, easily the best. Five stars.

Best Related Work. None of my relations work. They are cats, and just lazy about scrounging food off gullible humans. So NO AWARD I say. Writing No Award on all the spare space now, so it gets a good run up on the categories I don’t like.

Best Fan Artist. According to the Art Gallery of New South Wales ‘Tarō Yamamoto has updated the recurring Rinpa motif of red-and-white plum blossoms with a symbol of today’s consumer culture’ and they had a whole exhibition about fans. We had a great day walking around but then I did a wee on a security guard and we got booted out. Then they found out I hadn’t been in quarantine and a government minister said that they were going to put me down. Luckily I escaped and I was on the run for days. True story – except for the escaping bit and the government minister. I had a look for the Art Gallery of Old South Wales but they had nothing about fans.

Best Pro Artist: yeah I don’t know what that means.

Best Editor (long form): the united tordom of mister patrick nielsen hayden esquire
Best Editor (short form): PNH

Best Semitrailer: Mack Trucks from Greensboro, North Carolina.

The Camper Van Beethoven Award for Not Being a Hugo. Obviously has to be Take The Skin Heads Bowling which is the only Camper Van Beethoven song I know.



  1. Archbishop Laudanum

    Popped by to see if the nuclear sub and Timothy and Barrow-in-Furness episode was released and it did not disappoint. He’ll get a good half-life worth of re-telling on that one! Kinda surprised to find that flamethrower cat is not up on CVB’s song “Pictures of Matchstick Men” though (I saw them live at Tipitina’s in 1990). Hmph… I had him pegged more as a Jazz Butcher fan, you know, what with the “Fishcotheque” and nihilism and all.

    Happy April Fool’s Day CF! I hope you got in some good pranks today. I stuck googly eyes from the craft store on everyone’s lunch boxes and sodas and condiments and apples etc in the dept fridge 🙂


  2. Kendall

    OMG LOL at the last one. Camper, man – I knew Timothy was cool. He must be, if he likes Camper!