Timothy & The Strawpuppykicker


I was sitting in the south library of Felapton Towers considering how best to dispose of a set of self-destructing Nooks, when Timothy barged in with a grenade launcher.

“Not in the house Timothy! You can only play with thing in the Tudor Knot garden” I said remonstratively.

“But, but there’s a PUPPY KICKER!” said Timothy his eyes wide with both fear and anticipation of violence.

“Now, now, we don’t use that term here do we? Not even semi-ironically as it implies an inherent threat of violence that I simply don’t subscribe too.” I explained as patiently as I could while my feline companion waved around his bomb-throwing equipment.

Timothy sighed. “I don’t mean a puppy kicker like you, I mean a puppy kicker like what Straw Puppy was telling me about! They are big and mean and full of nasty tricks!”

“Ok, just calm down and show me where you saw whatever it is you saw.” I said quasi-uncompromisingly.

“It’s on the beach!” cried Timothy as he hurried through the French doors.

Sure enough, there on the beach was this:


“I think,” I said cautiously, “That it is a few bits of drift wood that somebody has lashed together and stuck a t-shirt on top of.”

“ITS A PUPPY KICKER!” said Timothy.

“And judging by the paw marks in the sand,” I continued, “it was assembled by Straw Puppy.”

“ITS A PUPPY KICKER!” said Timothy copy-and-pastedly.

“It is, I think, a strawpuppykicker.” I said pseudoconspiratorially .

“Those aren’t even words.” said Mr Atomic who was busy vacuuming the seashore.

“The strawpuppykicker is the worst of the worst Timothy” I explained neologismatically. “The strawpuppykicker tolerates no political views but their own and they demand that anyone who doesn’t hold their precise, narrow, doctrinaire views be excluded . Many of them can’t even read and even so they don’t even read the books they don’t vote for.”

“Please can I blow it up now?” whimpered Timothy.

“Timothy, I was just joking. Clearly this is just some bits of old wood Straw Puppy put together to wind you up. Why don’t you put the grenade launcher away and we will both go and watch a Republican Primary debate together.”

“OK, if you promise not to make harumphing noises every 2 minutes.”

“I promise.”

And we back off the beach.

But in the shadows…straw puppy was watching…





  1. snowcrash

    Hold on for a moment, I’m still parsing the bit where there are two models of how the market breaks down to “tolerance” and “intolerance”.

    I think I may have another favourite Freer Theorem*.

    And oh gods, is he threatening to talk more about the “miss-perceptions” of others next week?

    * – Freer Theorems – where assumptions are never substantiated, or even identified.


  2. Archbishop Laudanum

    Strawpuppy is always watching and waiting…. waiting and watching.

    ** backs into the shadows **


  3. Archbishop Laudanum

    Also: “Timothy seems like he’d fit right in at Burning Man,” she said co-optationally.


  4. Mark

    I feel that Timothy needs to settle down and read more books by that nice Mr Finn, he seems to be getting a bit agitated.