Unfeasible Tales of SJFS: The Snowflake and the Hound – A Christmas Story

Unfeasible Tales of Social Justice Fantasy Science!
Unfeasible Tales of Social Justice Fantasy Science!

[‘Is the little cat asleep, sir?’ asked Mr Atomic ‘because I’d like a story if I may. I’ve been fighting otters armed with acid-filled water pistols all afternoon.”
Camestros nodded and asked what kind of story he would like. “Oh a Christmas Story. August 25 is Robot Christmas”]

Every once in awhile on a Christmas Eve a blessed miracle occurs and all the animals in the world are granted the power of human speech. However very few people are aware that every so often, when the moon is full and conditions are just right, crystalline structures are also briefly granted the same powers of speech and thought.

And so it was, on a cold and northern hemispheric evening on the twenty-fourth of December that Rufus the cantankerous labrador was staring up at the sky and as each tiny snow flake drifted down on icy air currents he greeted each one by loudly shouting “BUGGER OFF!”

“BUGGER OFF! BUGGER OFF! BUGGER OFF! BUGGER OFF!” shouted the labrador as it began running around the garden more frenetically.

“Hello little dog!” a tiny snowflake, still floating high above Rufus’s garden called down to the dog.
Rufus paused and sat on his haunches and stared up at the snowflake.
“bugger off” he said.

“I really wish you wouldn’t use that term. It is impolite and possibly homophobic.” replied the snowflake.
“Is it though?” questioned another snowflake that was passing by on a tiny updraft “Or is the assumption that it is homophobic actually a symptom of homophobia by implicitly ascribing a sex act to a single sexuality?”
The first snowflake considered this point but as it was about to reply, realized that the second snowflake had already floated out of ear-shot.

“Dear little dog, whatever the exact nature of your words may be, it is clear that your verbal intent was one of aggression. Can we not briefly converse while I still have sufficient structure to do so?”

“Go away” replied Rufus, which was certainly an improvement in terms of manners but still far from polite.

“Dear little dog, I mean you no harm. I am merely a tiny drop of water that has crystallized into this shape. I have but a brief time before I lose my six-fold symmetry and join my siblings in a giant pile of snowy mush on the ground.”

“GO AWAY!”

“Dear little dog, I have no control over which direction I fly. The winds, such as they are, ave brought me to your garden. I bear you no ill will. Tell me dear little dog what is it that annoys you so?”

“I hate you.” snarled Rufus “I hate each and every one of you. You all think you are all so different. You think you are all so special and unique. I hate you all and I the way you think and act and smell and behave.”

“Dear little dog, variety is something to be welcomed but in the brief time I have can you tell me what it is that I should be thinking?”

Rufus thought about this. He scratched his ear with his hind paw and then sniffed his bum for a moment. After some consideration he offered his thoughts back to the snowflake.
“You see, it’s like this. I am a rugged individualist. I think for myself and I act for myself and I depend on no one (except my master) and I obey no one (except my master). You snowflakes, you are all the bloody same – floating about, all la-di-dah. I hate the lot of you.”

The snowflake consider the words of Rufus. It thought upon the dog’s complaint that that he hated snowflakes because they were all different and then it thought upon the dog’s complaint that the snowflakes were all the same. And after due consideration, the snowflake formed a worthy reply.
“Dear little dog, you are f_cking idiot.” and with that the snowflake drifted away to a neighboring garden.

Rufus stared plaintively as the snowflake was taken away by the festive air-currents.
“I just wanted you to pay attention to me.” he said in a soft puppy whine.

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2 responses to “Unfeasible Tales of SJFS: The Snowflake and the Hound – A Christmas Story”

  1. Please stop posting these or I’m going to have to nominate you next year and we all know where that is going to lead…

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